Day 12: Sleepy. So Sleepy

Day 12 began rather pleasantly actually. Quite enjoyed myself. Didn't even need to smoke. Still don't but boy was I sleepy riding my bike to the office. Today is Republic Day in India. Unfortunately that does not translate to a holiday for those in the audio/visual/entertainment industry. The work continues.

The last three days were back to back concerts at the Indiranagar Club. Music was good. However, it had been several months since I last did anything of this size and therefore I am thoroughly spent today. Oh how lovely a massage would be.

Today is the 26th of January. The 9th of February is my birthday. A most important one this time.

Yay to no smoking apparently.

Day 3: Like the passing of trains

Last night I slept okay I guess. Woke up with a bit of a headache but got over it without smoking. The strange thing is that each morning I wake up feeling better about it only to encounter the craving later on.

Considering my situation through a bowl of cereal, I started to believe that this may be possible. I am not sure why I failed before but that is not an option this time. As I rode to work, the shivers came back. The shakes in my body, mild but existent, outlining my withdrawal. It is strange now because it is not consuming me. I am able to regard it much the way one might witness a passing train while sitting in a stationary one. As if it is there but does not affect me. This is how I see the addiction right now. Yes it rattles me but I can choose to let it pass me by.

Writing these posts do help me a lot. Sometimes I shall go back and read it and it shocks me to know that I felt a certain way but wasn't directly aware of it. Though I'd like to believe otherwise, I know it is not yet over as I feel the need to sleep wash over me. My eyes are crossing with the effort of fighting off the sleep. I soldier on with my promise to guide me. I may yet win this battle. I better win this battle.

Day 2: The Shakes

Thought I was doing well until lunch time. I found myself having the slightest of tremors in my hands as I ate my food. This was further worsened by the fact that I was having a serious conversation about my future with my dad on the phone.

It's these kind of talks that really makes me reach out for a cigarette. As I walked up and down the roads, I eyed every cigarette stall with hunger in my mind. As the talk increased in seriousness, so did the need. I felt the need in the bridge of my nose and between my eyes where it started to hurt. My breathing became heavy as the stress of this conversation heavy and I felt myself just so hopeful for a cigarette. I held on though. I got through lunch and left without buying or smoking a cigarette on the way. Even typing this right now is taking a lot of effort from me. I am feeling drowsy and tired. I just want to asleep as the withdrawals that I shut in the dark cry for another feed of nicotine. Oh man this so difficult. In between the last few sentences I have dozed off at least 5 times...and another just now.

I am going to take nap. kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk


Oh what is wrong? That above there is the result of me falling asleep with my finger firmly lodged on one key. I'm outta here.

Day 1: Success Hurts

As the first day draws to a close I can't believe how difficult today has been. I have had nearly every excuse to light up a cigarette thrown at me shamelessly. All the excuses us smokers use. The morning smoke, the coffee smoke, the post meal smoke, the alcohol smoke, the social smoke and of course the boredom smoke! We smoke for every reason. It is both the prescription for stress and sadness and the celebration of happiness, victory and sex!

And today I had almost all of that thrown at me. Glorious coffees. Beautiful craft beer. Scrumptious meals. A long cold ride home, Difficult, stagnant boredom. All of it asking me to go ahead, buy a cigarette and just let go.

It would be easy too. One cigarette and nobody would blame me. One smoke and people would say "Hey not bad, just one smoke." One drag and nobody would know! Not even the promise made would have been aware of a promise broken. How could I face that promise though, had I given in?
How could that promise have faith in me? Trust would be lost quicker than it had been earned, as it does. What of respect? Ah yes, respect, I'd say, speaking of it as a flame once let go.

So I held on today. Held on to that promise. The promise is stronger than it knows. Stronger that it is aware. The promise is not mine, no. But the promise exists and that does matter. So I held on today. So I hold on now.

This is not easy I must say. I almost did not write this conclusion to the day because I felt so lethargic and lazy and basically useless. I had not choice however as, I tried to sleep and I couldn't. My tiredness is polluted by the ache in my muscles. They ache as if they have just been stretched out and left out to dry. And so I am left tossing and turning, my mind and body in absolute discomfort, screaming silently to be pacified with a cigarette. So I write about it. As much as moving off the bed to the computer hurt my body, I am here. Sleep shall come eventually and I will have earned to know my promise another day.

At the end of this day, I am grateful for my promise.

Day 1: The Sleeps

Don't have a lot to say here except that I am already experiencing what I call The Sleeps. It's this feeling of lethargy and tiredness. It is also a symptom of withdrawal. I feel lazy and tired. My mind tries to turn this into a craving by reasoning with me saying "It's alright if you smoke one cigarette, after all you need to stay awake. You've got work to do".

This is not my first time, and those who might be reading will understand that it never stops at one cigarette. For that very reason, thank you brain, but I am in no need of that reasoning. No. We soldier on. I wish I could soldier on to a bed, but that's not going to happen until the day is done. It's alright. I am eating a tiny chocolate. Something we get in India called Munch by Nestle. Just to give me the slight boost of energy. Tomorrow we shall try to be un-assisted!

Signing off.