Day 20: My math is terrible

It's been a few days since I posted. Honestly I just forgot to do so. I almost never thought about smoking or felt any real cravings. This is interesting. It has taken less time than I expected to get to this point. This is good.

The only reason I am posting or remembered to post today was because my promise reminded me to. It's alright though. I've been clean the whole time that I did not post. No stolen puffs of smoke.

Not sure really how long I will keep posting. Tomorrow marks Day 21 I think. I sometimes feel like I have my counting wrong. I was told by one person that it takes 21 days and after that you're good. If that's the case I'm almost there baby!
Then again another person told me that it takes 21 days to get addicted and 42 days to get over it.
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I'll chose my reality thanks.

Day 15: Don't feel like smoking

You know what feels weird? I don't feel like smoking. For the most part I am not actively craving. I am slightly affected when I am around other smokers who are smoking, and I can't wait for their cigarettes to get over or to leave. On my own though, I'm doing good. I eat and don't feel the strong urge to smoke. I freeze on long bike rides and its the same. For the most part I'm good. There is still the background feeling but it is not nearly as loud as it used to be.

I'll beat this. I know that eventually I will stop posting here as I may have nothing to write about. Maybe I will open it up to others.

Day 14: Missed a day

I realised that I forgot to post yesterday! How did that happen? Either I had no cravings or I was really out of it from my long weekend of work. Or both. I didn't smoke yesterday anyways so that's what counts.

Either way, it's been 2 weeks!!!!! That's right. Two weeks nicotine free. The funny thing is that it has not been long enough to convince other smokers that I'm for real. I say 14 days and all of them say/think "That's not quitting. You'll be back!" I'm guessing I'd need to be at 6 months to a year to be convincing. This is going to work though. I can feel it.

Thank you promise!

Day 3: Otherwise uneventful

Today was good. In other words, today was almost uneventful. I had my cravings but they were not as bad as before so it was much easier to survive.

This weekend is going to be mostly spent by myself so it is up to me to stay strong and not give in. Right at this moment the craving is there. Not helped by the glass of Old Monk rum and water that I am drinking. Drinking inspires further smoking and I feel rather inspired right now. It just seems so "right" to be doing both together. Many people "smoke when they drink". Why? Because it feels so damn good. It's  alright. I'll survive this yet.

Just going back to the last time I tried quitting which was a couple of years ago, I realize that I had such a tough time. I would wake up in the middle of the night because I'd be dreaming about smoking. Not just smoking, but the act of smoking! That night I had dreamed of the near sacred dance I described in one of my first posts on this blog. The lighting, the inhaling. It was such a powerful dream that the next day, I went and bought myself a cigarette. I immediately regretted it while at the same time celebrating in the liberation that the nicotine brought me. I haven't had any such dreams this time around. Either that or nothing so far has shaken me up enough. It has been only three days and some people might say that I speak to soon. This time is different. This time I know.

This time I know. This time is the last time.

Day 3: Like the passing of trains

Last night I slept okay I guess. Woke up with a bit of a headache but got over it without smoking. The strange thing is that each morning I wake up feeling better about it only to encounter the craving later on.

Considering my situation through a bowl of cereal, I started to believe that this may be possible. I am not sure why I failed before but that is not an option this time. As I rode to work, the shivers came back. The shakes in my body, mild but existent, outlining my withdrawal. It is strange now because it is not consuming me. I am able to regard it much the way one might witness a passing train while sitting in a stationary one. As if it is there but does not affect me. This is how I see the addiction right now. Yes it rattles me but I can choose to let it pass me by.

Writing these posts do help me a lot. Sometimes I shall go back and read it and it shocks me to know that I felt a certain way but wasn't directly aware of it. Though I'd like to believe otherwise, I know it is not yet over as I feel the need to sleep wash over me. My eyes are crossing with the effort of fighting off the sleep. I soldier on with my promise to guide me. I may yet win this battle. I better win this battle.

Day 1: Success Hurts

As the first day draws to a close I can't believe how difficult today has been. I have had nearly every excuse to light up a cigarette thrown at me shamelessly. All the excuses us smokers use. The morning smoke, the coffee smoke, the post meal smoke, the alcohol smoke, the social smoke and of course the boredom smoke! We smoke for every reason. It is both the prescription for stress and sadness and the celebration of happiness, victory and sex!

And today I had almost all of that thrown at me. Glorious coffees. Beautiful craft beer. Scrumptious meals. A long cold ride home, Difficult, stagnant boredom. All of it asking me to go ahead, buy a cigarette and just let go.

It would be easy too. One cigarette and nobody would blame me. One smoke and people would say "Hey not bad, just one smoke." One drag and nobody would know! Not even the promise made would have been aware of a promise broken. How could I face that promise though, had I given in?
How could that promise have faith in me? Trust would be lost quicker than it had been earned, as it does. What of respect? Ah yes, respect, I'd say, speaking of it as a flame once let go.

So I held on today. Held on to that promise. The promise is stronger than it knows. Stronger that it is aware. The promise is not mine, no. But the promise exists and that does matter. So I held on today. So I hold on now.

This is not easy I must say. I almost did not write this conclusion to the day because I felt so lethargic and lazy and basically useless. I had not choice however as, I tried to sleep and I couldn't. My tiredness is polluted by the ache in my muscles. They ache as if they have just been stretched out and left out to dry. And so I am left tossing and turning, my mind and body in absolute discomfort, screaming silently to be pacified with a cigarette. So I write about it. As much as moving off the bed to the computer hurt my body, I am here. Sleep shall come eventually and I will have earned to know my promise another day.

At the end of this day, I am grateful for my promise.