Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Day 1 : The first craving

I woke up today, groggy as usual and went about my morning rituals. I was doing alright. Having celebrated my last hurrah the previous night with a few cherished cigarettes, I was not doing bad at all. Mornings are interesting. Usually my first move is to make a hot cup of coffee or tea and then light a fresh one. Any and every smoker knows the feeling of that first smoke of the day. Makes you feel like it was worth waking up just for this.

I was doing alright until breakfast. Rushing for work I decided to stop off somewhere for breakfast. I live in South India by the way, in the city of Bangalore. I stopped off for a very satisfying Idli and Vada and a strong filter coffee. When I got done, the craving hit. A tummy full of food and the strong hit of caffeine in my brain triggered the craving. I realized how aware I was of it. Do you ever remember lighting the cigarette after a meal? It becomes so second nature that we do not realize it at all. And I feel the craving even as I write this new blog of mine. I denied myself the morning smoke and now the post food/coffee smoke. Addiction is strange.

I am tortured by both types of cigarette addiction. I love the nicotine hit and it's effect. I also love the act of smoking. I still see it in my head as one may imagine dancing with a lover. From shaking the pack to pulling one out. From lighting the tip, to inhaling and then finally exhaling the plume of smoke. The ashing of the cigarette in between puffs and finally the stubbing. And it is so that my craving fills my head with the need for nicotine and also these images of the many times I have carried out the act of smoking.

As I write this I notice a pain in my chest, a certain kind of tightness that beckons with the mildest burning in my throat. Honestly speaking, I am not quitting for health reasons. I'd be lying to myself. I am quitting because of how expensive it is. I cannot afford to smoke. If I do, I may not be able to have a good meal or pay rent or buy petrol. I am not doing this for my health. I am not doing this for my parents. I am doing this so that I can make it somewhere.

This is the journal of my final attempt at quitting smoking (yes every smoker has quit at least once). I shall catalog every single day, and as many cravings as I can. I hope you can join in me in this. Let us quit for the last time and make it count.

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