Thursday, January 15, 2015

Day 1: Success Hurts

As the first day draws to a close I can't believe how difficult today has been. I have had nearly every excuse to light up a cigarette thrown at me shamelessly. All the excuses us smokers use. The morning smoke, the coffee smoke, the post meal smoke, the alcohol smoke, the social smoke and of course the boredom smoke! We smoke for every reason. It is both the prescription for stress and sadness and the celebration of happiness, victory and sex!

And today I had almost all of that thrown at me. Glorious coffees. Beautiful craft beer. Scrumptious meals. A long cold ride home, Difficult, stagnant boredom. All of it asking me to go ahead, buy a cigarette and just let go.

It would be easy too. One cigarette and nobody would blame me. One smoke and people would say "Hey not bad, just one smoke." One drag and nobody would know! Not even the promise made would have been aware of a promise broken. How could I face that promise though, had I given in?
How could that promise have faith in me? Trust would be lost quicker than it had been earned, as it does. What of respect? Ah yes, respect, I'd say, speaking of it as a flame once let go.

So I held on today. Held on to that promise. The promise is stronger than it knows. Stronger that it is aware. The promise is not mine, no. But the promise exists and that does matter. So I held on today. So I hold on now.

This is not easy I must say. I almost did not write this conclusion to the day because I felt so lethargic and lazy and basically useless. I had not choice however as, I tried to sleep and I couldn't. My tiredness is polluted by the ache in my muscles. They ache as if they have just been stretched out and left out to dry. And so I am left tossing and turning, my mind and body in absolute discomfort, screaming silently to be pacified with a cigarette. So I write about it. As much as moving off the bed to the computer hurt my body, I am here. Sleep shall come eventually and I will have earned to know my promise another day.

At the end of this day, I am grateful for my promise.

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